overheardinnewyork.com, overheardintheoffice.com & overheardatthebeach.com
* * *
Bimbette: What's the plural of 'Jesus'? Jesuses? Jesi?
Friend: Why would you ever need to pluralize 'Jesus'? There's only one!
Bimbette: Well, like, if you were at a Halloween party or something and you had to tell your friend 'There were, like, eight Jesi at the party last night!'
Friend: Just stop talking.
* * *
Receptionist: So we're going to need to reschedule his appointment, then?
Nurse: No, Mary, this patient has passed away.
Receptionist: Okay, so then I'll call him in the morning?
Nurse: You don't understand. He's dead.
Receptionist: Well, Dr. Smith has a slot open for Monday...
Nurse: He's dead.
* * *
Cashier: You're new? What's your name?
Newbie: Ryan.
Cashier: Brian?
Newbie: Ryan.
Cashier: It's good to know you, Brian.
Newbie: Ryan. It's Ryan, with an 'R.'
Cashier: Huh? What do you mean, 'with an R'? Is there any way to spell Brian without an 'R'?
Newbie: I suppose not, no.
* * *
Dude #1: So, my friend's agent's lawyer's daughter's roommate...
Dude #2: Wait, are you seriously telling this story?
* * *
Student #1: Do you have a learning disability or something?
Student #2: Yeah. I'm ADD.
Student #1: Oh.
Student #2: Just kidding! I'm just stupid.
* * *
Customer: I'm looking for one of those things where I can plug it into my TV's video and plug like four video game systems into it and push a button to switch between them.
Employee: Yeah, I don't think we sell those.
Customer, picking up item: I'm looking for this.
Employee: Oh, we don't sell those.
Customer: You... don't... sell these?
Employee: No.
Customer: You're sure?
Employee: Yeah, we definitely don't sell those.
Customer: You don't sell these? This thing that I picked up off your rack with a price tag on it?
Employee: No.
* * *
CSR: OK, sir, go ahead and click on the logo in the top left of your screen.
Customer, on phone: I don't see that. I'm on a page that says "Welcome," then "My Profile."
CSR: OK, go ahead and click on "My Profile."
Customer: I don't see that.
* * *
First-grade teacher: CHARLES! Give me those! Those are NAILS! Nails are unsafe and do not belong in your hands.
Student: Pshhh, unless you're JESUS!
* * *
Twentysomething new hire: Why is there a Harry Potter picture in our lobby?
Fortysomething manager: Actually that's a painting of John Lennon.
* * *
M.D. #1: Hey, look! They named their kid Babygirl!
M.D. #2: No way, that's hilarious!
Janitor: Actually, it just means they haven't named their child yet and that it's a baby girl.
M.D. #1: Are you a doctor?
M.D. #2: I bet he's not even a doctor.
Janitor: [walks away]
* * *
Co-Worker: My wife's not too happy with me.
Client: Oh, I'm sure--
Co-Worker: --No, she's pregnant again.
Client: Ooooh, that's gotta be your fault. No woman would do that to herself.
* * *
Teacher: "Uncertain." What does "uncertain" mean?
7-Year-Old boy: Like you're not sure about it?
Teacher: Good! What's an example of something you're uncertain about?
7-Year-Old boy, after thinking for a moment: God.
* * *
Interviewer: So, how would you say you handle changes in the workplace?
Interviewee: Um...Oh! I'm really good with change. I used to work a cash register, and if the total came to $7.49 and they gave me a ten, I'd give them 3...no...$2.60...uh...$2.51!
Interviewer: Uh...okay!
* * *
English teacher: We need nine groups. How many people are in there in this class? 26. So that's nine groups with... Nine times three is 36. Times two is 18. Eight times four is 32. Times three is 24. So eight groups of three with one group of two. Count off. Okay, ones over there, twos over there, threes over there, fours over there, fives... Oh. Guys, why didn't you catch this? I'm an English teacher for a reason!
Student #1: Why don't you just group them in threes, like first set of three there...
Teacher: No, I wanted to mix you guys up. Alright, starting over, one to eight.
Student #1: One.
Student #2: Two.
Student #3: Three.
Student #4: One.
* * *
Woman holding baby: I love your hat!
Man with hat: I like your... baby.
* * *
Guy #1: Dude, are you okay? You look exhausted.
Guy #2: I am. My life is so weird right now.
Guy #1: Still working on the divorce?
Guy #2: That's pretty much finalized, actually. It's this girl I started seeing last week.
Guy #1: Wait, you're dating that hot Russian chick?
Guy #2: Yeah, Svetlana*. She's a total nympho -- I haven't slept in days. She won't leave my crotch alone. Plus, whenever we're going at it she keeps calling me 'Master.' It's fucked up.
Guy #1: You just lost any chance at sympathy, asshole.
* * *
Pretentious NYU guy: You know what's worse than being hypocritical? Going against your beliefs!
Friend: Ummm... That's the definition of hypocritical.
Pretentious NYU guy: I know, but still.
* * *
Cop: What's your name?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Derrick Johnson.
Cop: Where do you live?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
* * *
Coworker #1: Teach me how to say something dirty in Bulgarian.
Coworker #2: I'm not Bulgarian, I'm Bosnian.
Coworker #1: What's the difference?
Coworker #3: Are you Mexican?
Coworker #1: Hell no!
Coworker #3: That's the difference.
* * *
Receptionist #1: How could we have known what happened 10 thousand years ago if Jesus lived only two thousand years ago?
Receptionist #2: Because people before Jesus wrote things down in the Bible.
Receptionist #1: There were people before Jesus?
* * *
Cube dweller: Do not Google 'Britney Spears' vagina.' All you get is porn.
* * *
Teen girl #1: Listen, if you put a dollar in a Coke machine, the thing that comes out is your Coke, right?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, but--
Teen girl #1: --I'm just saying, the father should get the baby.
* * *
Two ghetto carolers: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way... [To three other carolers] Hey! Fuckin' sing! You're not singing, and we're supposed to make people fuckin' happy and shit.
* * *
Woman #1: So, he takes me to see Eragon, and then he walks me to my door and he's like, 'Can I come up?' And I'm all like, 'No way,' and he's like, 'Why not?' And I'm like, ' 'Cause you had sex with my sister, you asshole!' Can you believe that?!
Woman #2: Why did you even go out with him?
Woman #1: I like dragons.
* * *
Chick #1: So, what do you think?
Chick #2: It's...
Chick #1: It's complicated.
Chick #2: Yeah, it's complicated.
Chick #1: I need to change my Facebook profile. Is 'It's complicated' an option for relationship status?
Chick #2: Yeah.
Chick #1: Good.
* * *
Little girl: Do a lot of guys try to kiss you at college?
College chick: Ummm... I'm pretty, but that doesn't mean guys just suddenly try and kiss me.
Little girl: What do you do when they do?
College chick: I think I would slap them.
Little girl: What if he's naked?
College chick: What, so a naked guy comes up to me and tries to kiss me?
Little girl: What if he gets naked for you?
College chick: How old are you, again?
Little girl: What if he's naked and there's sex?
College chick: [Long pause] Uhhh... Do you mean rape?
Little girl: What if he's like, um, naked and there's sex?
College chick: ... What the...?!
* * *
(A Long Way of Saying, 'We Reserve the Right to Put You in a Reality Show')
Dude #1: So, I'm up for this reality show...
Dude #2: Hey, congratulations!
Dude #1: But in this contract they want me to sign it says, 'We reserve the right to use any footage that embarrasses, humiliates, defames, or otherwise ruins your fucking life.' I'm not signing that shit.
* * *
Bimbette looking up at cliff face: Hey, do rocks eat other rocks?
Guy: ... Huh?
Bimbette: Do rocks eat other rocks? You know, so that they can grow into bigger rocks...
Guy: Are you serious? No, rocks do not eat other rocks.
Bimbette: Then, like... How do they get bigger?
Guy: [Silence.]
Bimbette: Like, what do they eat?
* * *
Boy #1: Yeah, it was cool, but that bouncer searched me like crazy. He was patting my thighs and stuff. Security is crazy at that place, huh?
Boy #2: What security?
Boy #3: What bouncer?
Boy #1: You know, that big, fat guy near the entrance.
Boy #2: There was no security dude.
Boy #1: ... Then who the hell was that guy?!
* * *
Woman looking at water: Wow! Did you rake the water? It looks nice!
Lifeguard: Yeah, it took me a long time.
* * *
Patron: Ummm, I'm looking for a book.
Librarian: Okay, well, do you know what it's called?
Patron: No.
Librarian: Do you know who wrote it?
Patron: No.
Librarian: Are you just hoping that we have some sort of book?
Patron: Yeah.
Librarian: You know you're in a fuckin' library, right?
.
* * *
Bimbette: What's the plural of 'Jesus'? Jesuses? Jesi?
Friend: Why would you ever need to pluralize 'Jesus'? There's only one!
Bimbette: Well, like, if you were at a Halloween party or something and you had to tell your friend 'There were, like, eight Jesi at the party last night!'
Friend: Just stop talking.
* * *
Receptionist: So we're going to need to reschedule his appointment, then?
Nurse: No, Mary, this patient has passed away.
Receptionist: Okay, so then I'll call him in the morning?
Nurse: You don't understand. He's dead.
Receptionist: Well, Dr. Smith has a slot open for Monday...
Nurse: He's dead.
* * *
Cashier: You're new? What's your name?
Newbie: Ryan.
Cashier: Brian?
Newbie: Ryan.
Cashier: It's good to know you, Brian.
Newbie: Ryan. It's Ryan, with an 'R.'
Cashier: Huh? What do you mean, 'with an R'? Is there any way to spell Brian without an 'R'?
Newbie: I suppose not, no.
* * *
Dude #1: So, my friend's agent's lawyer's daughter's roommate...
Dude #2: Wait, are you seriously telling this story?
* * *
Student #1: Do you have a learning disability or something?
Student #2: Yeah. I'm ADD.
Student #1: Oh.
Student #2: Just kidding! I'm just stupid.
* * *
Customer: I'm looking for one of those things where I can plug it into my TV's video and plug like four video game systems into it and push a button to switch between them.
Employee: Yeah, I don't think we sell those.
Customer, picking up item: I'm looking for this.
Employee: Oh, we don't sell those.
Customer: You... don't... sell these?
Employee: No.
Customer: You're sure?
Employee: Yeah, we definitely don't sell those.
Customer: You don't sell these? This thing that I picked up off your rack with a price tag on it?
Employee: No.
* * *
CSR: OK, sir, go ahead and click on the logo in the top left of your screen.
Customer, on phone: I don't see that. I'm on a page that says "Welcome," then "My Profile."
CSR: OK, go ahead and click on "My Profile."
Customer: I don't see that.
* * *
First-grade teacher: CHARLES! Give me those! Those are NAILS! Nails are unsafe and do not belong in your hands.
Student: Pshhh, unless you're JESUS!
* * *
Twentysomething new hire: Why is there a Harry Potter picture in our lobby?
Fortysomething manager: Actually that's a painting of John Lennon.
* * *
M.D. #1: Hey, look! They named their kid Babygirl!
M.D. #2: No way, that's hilarious!
Janitor: Actually, it just means they haven't named their child yet and that it's a baby girl.
M.D. #1: Are you a doctor?
M.D. #2: I bet he's not even a doctor.
Janitor: [walks away]
* * *
Co-Worker: My wife's not too happy with me.
Client: Oh, I'm sure--
Co-Worker: --No, she's pregnant again.
Client: Ooooh, that's gotta be your fault. No woman would do that to herself.
* * *
Teacher: "Uncertain." What does "uncertain" mean?
7-Year-Old boy: Like you're not sure about it?
Teacher: Good! What's an example of something you're uncertain about?
7-Year-Old boy, after thinking for a moment: God.
* * *
Interviewer: So, how would you say you handle changes in the workplace?
Interviewee: Um...Oh! I'm really good with change. I used to work a cash register, and if the total came to $7.49 and they gave me a ten, I'd give them 3...no...$2.60...uh...$2.51!
Interviewer: Uh...okay!
* * *
English teacher: We need nine groups. How many people are in there in this class? 26. So that's nine groups with... Nine times three is 36. Times two is 18. Eight times four is 32. Times three is 24. So eight groups of three with one group of two. Count off. Okay, ones over there, twos over there, threes over there, fours over there, fives... Oh. Guys, why didn't you catch this? I'm an English teacher for a reason!
Student #1: Why don't you just group them in threes, like first set of three there...
Teacher: No, I wanted to mix you guys up. Alright, starting over, one to eight.
Student #1: One.
Student #2: Two.
Student #3: Three.
Student #4: One.
* * *
Woman holding baby: I love your hat!
Man with hat: I like your... baby.
* * *
Guy #1: Dude, are you okay? You look exhausted.
Guy #2: I am. My life is so weird right now.
Guy #1: Still working on the divorce?
Guy #2: That's pretty much finalized, actually. It's this girl I started seeing last week.
Guy #1: Wait, you're dating that hot Russian chick?
Guy #2: Yeah, Svetlana*. She's a total nympho -- I haven't slept in days. She won't leave my crotch alone. Plus, whenever we're going at it she keeps calling me 'Master.' It's fucked up.
Guy #1: You just lost any chance at sympathy, asshole.
* * *
Pretentious NYU guy: You know what's worse than being hypocritical? Going against your beliefs!
Friend: Ummm... That's the definition of hypocritical.
Pretentious NYU guy: I know, but still.
* * *
Cop: What's your name?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Derrick Johnson.
Cop: Where do you live?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
* * *
Coworker #1: Teach me how to say something dirty in Bulgarian.
Coworker #2: I'm not Bulgarian, I'm Bosnian.
Coworker #1: What's the difference?
Coworker #3: Are you Mexican?
Coworker #1: Hell no!
Coworker #3: That's the difference.
* * *
Receptionist #1: How could we have known what happened 10 thousand years ago if Jesus lived only two thousand years ago?
Receptionist #2: Because people before Jesus wrote things down in the Bible.
Receptionist #1: There were people before Jesus?
* * *
Cube dweller: Do not Google 'Britney Spears' vagina.' All you get is porn.
* * *
Teen girl #1: Listen, if you put a dollar in a Coke machine, the thing that comes out is your Coke, right?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, but--
Teen girl #1: --I'm just saying, the father should get the baby.
* * *
Two ghetto carolers: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way... [To three other carolers] Hey! Fuckin' sing! You're not singing, and we're supposed to make people fuckin' happy and shit.
* * *
Woman #1: So, he takes me to see Eragon, and then he walks me to my door and he's like, 'Can I come up?' And I'm all like, 'No way,' and he's like, 'Why not?' And I'm like, ' 'Cause you had sex with my sister, you asshole!' Can you believe that?!
Woman #2: Why did you even go out with him?
Woman #1: I like dragons.
* * *
Chick #1: So, what do you think?
Chick #2: It's...
Chick #1: It's complicated.
Chick #2: Yeah, it's complicated.
Chick #1: I need to change my Facebook profile. Is 'It's complicated' an option for relationship status?
Chick #2: Yeah.
Chick #1: Good.
* * *
Little girl: Do a lot of guys try to kiss you at college?
College chick: Ummm... I'm pretty, but that doesn't mean guys just suddenly try and kiss me.
Little girl: What do you do when they do?
College chick: I think I would slap them.
Little girl: What if he's naked?
College chick: What, so a naked guy comes up to me and tries to kiss me?
Little girl: What if he gets naked for you?
College chick: How old are you, again?
Little girl: What if he's naked and there's sex?
College chick: [Long pause] Uhhh... Do you mean rape?
Little girl: What if he's like, um, naked and there's sex?
College chick: ... What the...?!
* * *
(A Long Way of Saying, 'We Reserve the Right to Put You in a Reality Show')
Dude #1: So, I'm up for this reality show...
Dude #2: Hey, congratulations!
Dude #1: But in this contract they want me to sign it says, 'We reserve the right to use any footage that embarrasses, humiliates, defames, or otherwise ruins your fucking life.' I'm not signing that shit.
* * *
Bimbette looking up at cliff face: Hey, do rocks eat other rocks?
Guy: ... Huh?
Bimbette: Do rocks eat other rocks? You know, so that they can grow into bigger rocks...
Guy: Are you serious? No, rocks do not eat other rocks.
Bimbette: Then, like... How do they get bigger?
Guy: [Silence.]
Bimbette: Like, what do they eat?
* * *
Boy #1: Yeah, it was cool, but that bouncer searched me like crazy. He was patting my thighs and stuff. Security is crazy at that place, huh?
Boy #2: What security?
Boy #3: What bouncer?
Boy #1: You know, that big, fat guy near the entrance.
Boy #2: There was no security dude.
Boy #1: ... Then who the hell was that guy?!
* * *
Woman looking at water: Wow! Did you rake the water? It looks nice!
Lifeguard: Yeah, it took me a long time.
* * *
Patron: Ummm, I'm looking for a book.
Librarian: Okay, well, do you know what it's called?
Patron: No.
Librarian: Do you know who wrote it?
Patron: No.
Librarian: Are you just hoping that we have some sort of book?
Patron: Yeah.
Librarian: You know you're in a fuckin' library, right?
.
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